Rapport Building and What It Really Means

“Work on your rapport building skills”, they all said to him, “Find Rapport”. 

And so the poor boy ran helter skelter in search of this thing called ‘Rapport’. So keen was he to find it, that he had no patience for interesting conversations, for he had to move on quickly to the next, and as he hustled among the crowd jostling from person to person, he ended up with a pocket full of business cards and a heart full of nothing. 

Alas, one day he realised this search was futile, and feeling defeated and worn out, he sat down to catch his breath. Someone walked up to him and offered him some water. They got talking, and their eyes lit up, as they discovered common things about each other, and places that they had been to, and the breakfast buffet that they both enjoyed, and the number of useless business cards they both collected but couldn’t match with a face. And as he then waltzed away to lunch with his new found friend, he smiled to himself, as he realised that ultimately, Rapport, had found him. 

What is Rapport?

For the longest time I tried to pen down what Rapport meant. I could see it, I could feel it, but I couldn’t define it. 

A year ago, I came across this definition –

‘Rapport is a working conversation wherein both parties are interested in what the other person has to say.’ 

This shifted my focus from something intangible to something I could tangibly improve – my conversation skills. 

So if one could have an interesting conversation with someone, one could say they built Rapport. The ability to do this with all kinds of people, translates into Rapport Building skills. 

What then, you may ask, makes an interesting conversation? Interest in people. 

Before trying to work on your conversation skills, cultivate a genuine interest in other human beings. Or what I call ‘people – passion’.

Interest in who they are, interest in their stories, interest in their backgrounds, interest in their thoughts.

While this sounds a bit stalker like, think about this. When you surf through Netflix, you flip through a multitude of shows and skip the ones that seem boring to you before finding the one you binge watch till Season end. It’s your interest in either the genre, the trailer, the actors or the storyline that determines whether you press play or next. Or you watch ‘Indian Matchmaking’ just because everyone else is watching it too. . .

If you apply the same philosophy to people, there’s always something to find interesting. Their background (genre), their introduction (trailer), their personality (actor) or their story (storyline). And because you can’t click Next on the person you’re talking to, ‘being interested’ becomes an imperative skill to have.

Cultivating a genuine interest in all sorts of people, as you did with Sima aunty, (if you don’t get the reference, watch Indian Matchmaking on Netflix NOW), is the heavy lifting of developing good conversation skills.

Because interest in a person reflects integrity of a conversation. It’s the difference between someone you give your business card to, and someone you do Business with.

 This knowledge must be used inversely too. To become more interesting for someone else to talk to.

How Do You Become Interesting?

There are three things you can do to make yourself more interesting –

1. Take yourself out more often – The onus is first on you. Step out of your little comfort zone and experience new things. The more things you do, places you visit, people you talk to, mistakes you make, the more stories you have to tell.
2. Observe People – Study people. Pitch shifts, eye contact, body language. You’ll be able to tell a lot sooner if you’re losing your audience or if they’re genuinely interested in what you’re saying. 
3. ICE ICE Baby –  When in the arena, follow these 3 steps – 

• Introduce yourself 
• Connect 
• Engage 

Work on a solid introduction of who you are, find a connection or something common with the other person, and then engage them for as long as it takes to give them something memorable to remember about you. 

Your introduction is not your biodata, but something you want them to remember you for. Be the person who walks up to someone else to say hi and not the other way around. With practise this gets easier.  

When looking for connection, be easy, and get to know the person, and something common will automatically pop up. 

If it doesn’t, having something ‘uncommon’ can also make the conversation interesting. For example, your conversation partner absolutely loves peanuts, but you are dangerously allergic to them. This leads to talk about the last time you were rushed to hospital when your neighbour unknowingly sent you a salad that had peanut shavings in it. This then leads to conversation about how his neighbour also tried to kill him. Or something like that. You get the drift.

When looking for engagement, it’s not the length of it, but the feeling it left you with. Even quick, brief, elevator conversations can be engaging. It’s not the quantity, but the quality, and how it leaves you and the other person feeling. 

A good conversation is one that leaves both parties energised, not exhausted. 

The glint in the eye, the nodding of heads, the animated expressions – that’s what you’re going for. You know it when you have it.

You can start practising this with low stake conversations (where the outcome doesn’t impact you). The Uber Driver, the receptionist at a hotel, the person at the baggage checkin counter etc. This will make the high stake conversations easier.

Rapport helps with recall, building visibility for yourself, and building meaningful relationships. 

But don’t go out searching for it. Focus instead on truly connecting with another human being, and let Rapport find you!

And when it does, it will be easier for Sima Aunty to find a suitable match for you too!

Much Love,

Kanika